16 Mar 2017

Here’s Why St. Patrick’s Day is Dumb (So Buy Our Stuff)

by Tim Simmons | posted in: Holidays That Are Dumb | 53

It’s all wrong, from the way we celebrate down to the color green. Here’s why celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in America is dumb.

V V GO RIGHT TO BUYING STUFF V V

Happy Liars Day

Raise your hand if you’re Irish. Now put your hand down, you bloody liar.

Half of Americans celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, but only about 10% of Americans claim Irish ancestry. Even 10% feels a little high to me. I think people are playing pretty fast and loose with their heritage-claiming. That’s like 7 times the population of Ireland, by the way.

And let’s be honest, we don’t even know why we celebrate this holiday anyway. We just do.

St. Patrick’s Day in America is really just about Americans spending one day of the year drinking excessively (which we usually do anyway), and basically just recognizing that Ireland is a country, that it exists, and that it’s over that way somewhere [points right].

St. Patrick’s Day in America is really just about spending one day a year recognizing that Ireland exists.

In fact, we’ve done a fantastic job of personifying Ireland. Thanks to St. Patrick’s Day, we’ve reduced the country, its people, and its culture down to a caricature of themselves (usually a leprechaun) which is just awful. Two thousand years of history and almost five million people reduced down to a meme, like Star Wars Kid or Yes Baby. We’ve made St. Patrick’s Day the Instant Cheese of holidays.

By the way, you could write anything on Yes Baby and it works, it just works, dammit. See what we mean?…

What’s Good for the Green…

As we all know, St. Patrick was the patron saint of funny hats who invented parades and drinking lots of beer. No, that’s not it. But you have no fucking idea, do you? Well, then we’ll tell you.

Once upon a time (a real fucking long time ago), there was this guy St. Patrick who did some good stuff for Ireland, and so they celebrate him. (He converted a bunch of Pagans to Christianity. Yay, Christianity!) The end.

Tell me again why we celebrate that in America? That would be like everyone in Ireland getting together on July 4th and drinking Bud Light and dressing up like Uncle Sam and shooting up Planned Parenthood to celebrate America’s Independence Day. And that just doesn’t work. Uncle Sam was always such a stern fella. No fun in that.

And yet despite all that, Americans will spend over $4 billion and drink 3 million pints of Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day.

The Traditions are Dumb

America – the largest melting pot this side of the Atlantic – just loves stealing other cultures’ traditions, then shitting all over them.

Step 1: Strip it of its pre-existing meaning and customs so it’s guaranteed to add ZERO value to life.
Step 2: Make up a bunch of NEW bullshit traditions that are WAY more fun, because we need to guarantee we’ll look ridiculous doing them. There could be funny hats… Maybe throw some drinking in there!
Step 3: Don’t give any shits about what the original culture’s opinion might be of your stolen and molested new custom.

And so we did with St. Paddy’s. We yoga’ed that shit. We Washington Redskinned that shit. The Irish even have a name for this – they call it Plastic Paddy.

Let’s explore some.

Let’s Do Irish Car Bombs, Bro

The primary American tradition on St. Patrick’s Day? Drinking. A lot.

Which I guess is supposed to be some sort of homage to how the Irish might celebrate this special day? This isn’t just stereotypical – it’s wrong.

Americans basically invented binge party drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, you heard me. Americans. Take it in. We probably have Budweiser to thank. (Historically, bars were closed on St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland.)

So just in case you’re keeping track, America did NOT invent waffles, Chinese food, or the Ménage à trois, but we DID invent drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Mind blown yet?

Slow, Drunk Walking

That’s okay, at least St. Patrick’s Day parades are a customary cultural thingy from the Emerald Isle, right? That must be an import with genuine cultural history… because parades are boring as shit. Wrong again.

America invented parades on St. Patrick’s Day, because holy shit, we love parades. And because why not? Who doesn’t love standing around and watching a bad talent show in slow motion? There’s papier-mâché and Snoopy and all sorts of other mediocre shit people made in their garage!

And please don’t say “top o’ the morning to ya.” No one in Ireland fucking says that. You’re embarrassing all of us.

Oh, and if you’re kissing people because they’re Irish, sorry, you’re doing that wrong, too. It’s the Blarney Stone you’re supposed to kiss, not random drunk people with green buttons on, and not on St. Patrick’s Day. God Sandra, you’re such a slut sometimes.

It’s So Easy Being Green

Let me blow your mind again. The original St. Patrick didn’t even wear green. I wonder if he got pinched a lot. He wasn’t even fucking Irish. Nor was he a real-life leprechaun. (Those aren’t real, btw.)

In fact, St. Patrick’s official color was blue. Like the color of sadness that he feels when he sees what we’ve done to his special day. Where’d green come from? We just sort of associate Ireland with green, sort of the way we associate Willie Nelson with weed, or professional football players with beating their girlfriends.

And that might be fine for another country. But this is America. And whenever America likes something, we have to shove as much of it in our mouths as possible until our cheeks puff out and we can hardly breath, then we shove a little more in. We invented the monster truck and the NRA. Dammit, if we’re gonna wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, we’re gonna take it to 11. And that’s what we did.

In Chicago, they love green on St. Patrick’s day SO MUCH that dye their river green. Apparently, they want their own Ninja Turtles.

And the green beer, oh, the green beer, what the fuck.

By the way, if you pinch me for not wearing green, I’m gonna lepre-kick you in the balls.

What Should You Do About It?

For one, please, PLEASE, for God’s sake, don’t say “top o’ the morning to ya” all day long. Just go 24 fucking hours without saying it. For humanity.

Also, since we Americans don’t really know why we’re celebrating in the first place, let’s help propagate some false accomplishments of Saint Patrick, just for fun! I’ll get us started:

Saint Patrick invented hopscotch.
He coined the expression ‘tally ho.’
He didn’t invent pancakes, but he was the first to put chocolate chips in them.
He was the first person to ever say, “that’s what she said” as innuendo. It was VERY funny the first time. You had to be there.
He didn’t let the dogs out, but you better believe he was part of the search team who got them home again safe and sound.
He coined the term ‘déjà vu’ after attending a summit in the French Alps for the second time and swearing that he’d met that girl before.
It was his idea to put jelly inside donuts.
He invented holding your breath.
He invented haircuts.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Now Buy Our Stuff

A Real-ish “Blarney Stone”

Since Americans obviously care so much about Irish authenticity, We’re selling this totally probably (in)authentic “Blarney Stone!”

That’s right, you send me $10 and your mailing address, and we’ll send you a probably-not-real-but-maybe-is “Blarney Stone,” so you can kiss it, because we think that’s good luck or maybe gets you laid or something, who really knows. Why is “Blarney Stone” in quotes? So we don’t get sued. You know, by the Blarney family.

Your “Blarney Stone” will come with a Certificate of Inauthenticity which proves that it is a stone of some kind, and that it may or may not be the real Blarney Stone.

PAY $10. GET A TOTALLY PROBABLY NOT REAL 'BLARNEY STONE'

Or if you’re the kind of person who still has a phone with a cord on it or thinks that “computers are scary,” you can send a check or money order for $10 to:

GA Ventures

c/o Blarney Stone

P.O. Box 777651

Henderson, NV 89077

Be sure to include your return address! (US Only)

St. Patrick’s Day is Dumb Shirts and Stuff

“This is my St. Patrick’s Day T-Shirt.” Tees. Available in Black.

Wearing green in America on St. Patrick’s Day is dumb and you know it. That’s why we’ve created for you this festive (black) St. Patrick’s Day t-shirt!

This super high quality, comfy (and black) tee is the perfect shirt for non-Irish on St. Pat’s Day (basically all of us). Wear it with pride, and when other non-Irish pinch you for not wearing green, punch them in the face.

CLICK HERE TO SHOP

“I’m not kissing you because you’re not Irish.” Tees and Pins

The “I’m not kissing you because you’re not Irish” line is sure to inspire the consumption of green beer and green felt top hats, just in time for the only holiday that typically comes with bossy pins. The best part is it’s all for a good cause! …Reminding people that celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in America is dumb.